Do You Ever Think About It? January 11, 2010

On January 6, 2010, I celebrated a rather significant milestone. Seven years ago, I embarked on a journey that has had it’s ups and downs. It’s been challenging and has caused me to question my beliefs, strength and resiliency on more that one occasion. What is this significant milestone you may ask?

SEVEN YEARS OF ABSTINENCE.

I lost my virginity when I was 15 going on 16 and in the words of Day-Day in Next Friday

It was the WORST mistake of my  *&@%^# life!

Obvious reasons aside, my decision to have sex that September day, started a domino effect that took me years to control. I attached myself (and still am to certain extent) to a boy who proceeded to treat me like stepped on dog crap for the next two years. And I held on like a pitbull to a steak… all because we had sex. I couldn’t believe that someone who I’d actually chosed to lose my virginity too and actually let see me nekkid would continue to hurt me. My stupid 15 year old mindset was “He’ll see how much I “love” him and he’ll change and love me back.”

 It wasn’t til I got to college that I changed my mindset (and not for the good) and I started to see sex as a weapon (who remembers that from House Party 3? lol).  My twisted thinking was basically that

“I’m gone get in where I fit in and treat these niggas how they THINK they gone treat me. I don’t luh deez hoes.”…

Yes, I really thought AND spoke (out loud) like that, back then. And “get in where I fit in” is exactly what I did.

I should mention at this same time, I could count on one hand, how many times I missed church and still went faithfully every Sunday, but what I learned on Sunday was completely disconnected (in my mind) from what I did the rest of the week.

So, for about two and a half years of college, I did the doggone thang. I even had a friend who called me his “Big Brotha Head” because in his words “you think about sex more than the niggas do.”. -**Dang, we were crass!**

Then I started going to the campus ministry that the church I now attend held every Thursday at 7pm in McKenney Union (where all my Eagles at?). Needless to say, chick aka the campus minister read my mail every week. Me and my roommate would go, feel convicted, but we’d be able to wrestle that conviction off by the weekend. **Sidenote: Though I’d still do what I wanted when I left Bible study, that campus minister’s words NEVER left me. I’m a true testament of seeds sown and harvest reaped waaaayyyy later.**

Then New Years Eve 2002 approached. Me and my non-boyfriend at the time were not getting along, but still doin’ it. I made a decision (partly because I was mad at him, partly because my behavior was starting to get to me and I really wanted to do this God thing) that I wasn’t gonna have sex anymore until I got married.

**GASP**

Nobody who knew me believed I could do it. Shooooood, I didn’t think I could do it myself!  I had a one track mind for real and that track ended straight at sex… But I did it anyway. I went to Watch Night Service at my old church and promised God that I wasn’t having sex anymore until I got married. I felt empowered, closer to God and slightly ill all at once.

January 1 passes. No sex.

 January 2. Nope. Not today either.

 January 3, 4,5? Nothin’ poppin’ off here son!

Then January 6…

I gave in. I crashed and burned! Oh the agony!

I just couldn’t resist that dude…and frankly, I wasn’t really trying to.

But that was THE last time I had sex. January 6, 2003. The only New Year’s Resolution I’ve ever made and kept.

I broke up with the non-boyfriend a month later. Didn’t talk to him for months after that.

Then began the arduous process of actually keeping my word to God.  I did good for the most part. My old conquests would call from time to time and I’d turn ‘em down FLAT, telling them that I wasn’t having sex until I got a ring (which one offered to buy me!). They’d tell me how much they missed “me” and how no one could do them like I did, blah, blah, blah, jibby, jibby, jibby…

Now I must admit, it felt good to be “admired”, but I just couldn’t play myself. I had told EVERYBODY that I wasn’t having sex anymore and I felt like ‘Pac. All Eyez on Me. I just couldn’t fall. Plus, since I was trying to fight off the sex thoughts, I spent more time going to church, thinking about God, praying, etc. Whatever I felt I could do to keep myself out of trouble and through that, the desire to fornicate just wained…Not that I didn’t WANT to have sex, it was just that wanting to, didn’t mean I was going to. I just honest to goodness began to want to please God with my body and the easiest thing I could control at that time was not to have sex outside of marriage.

My college friends were perplexed. They didn’t understand what I was doing. Constantly I entertained questions like “Do you ever think about it? What do you do when you really wanna do it, pray? What if Glenn Lewis (my celeb crush at the time) came and wanted to have sex with you, you wouldn’t do it?” My answers were and still are yes, yes and no. **The last one is easier, ’cause I don’t crush on Glenn Lewis no more, but that Idris Elba would have me in prayer and intercession to hold my virtue! lol**

Though most of my old conquests have blown away, the guy I lost my V-card to still calls and tries from time to time. Each time I tell him no and why. This year, he really got desperate. He asked me if I was gay, who hurt me so bad that it made me not want to have sex again and the Big Lebowski “What if it ain’t no God and you just holding out for nothin’?” El Oh El He was really reaching now. Accusing me of being gay was TOTALLY gonna turn me on. #reversepsychologygonewrong.

But God spoke to me after that convo. For the first time I didn’t feel like I had to justify why I wasn’t having sex. I give you the reason. A: I want to honor God with my body. B: I can’t give my future (soon to be met) husband my virginity, but I can give him a body that’s not all used up and a mind all chopped and screwed and bitter from messing around with a bunch of  random dudes. Some people will understand, respect and accept that. Some people won’t. What God showed me was that either way, I’m still doing the right thing and the peace I know from this is a peace that eluded me in other peoples beds.

So cheers to seven years! I’m not saying cheers to seven more though! They say that seven is God’s year of completion, so alright Lord, let’s do this!

~FIN