It seems like I was obsessed with managing my budget. I’d work tirelessly, at any given moment to manage my $368 checks I received every 2 weeks when I worked as a graduate assistant. I’d have budget projections on the back of old receipts, inside my notebooks when I got bored in class, I even tried the budget software on Excel a couple times. But, my favorite tool of all was the yellow legal pad. I had that thing down to a science. I’d list all my bills in the margin, then list at least my next 4 checks and allocate those funds accordingly. I’d use my refund checks to pay my rent, but periodically, that would have to be factored into the allocations as well.

I’ve been trying to get back to that college student mentality. I’ve been kind of half-heartedly budgeting each check the day before I get paid and I’ve even started to give myself what I call an “entertainment stipend” of $35 per week (which I realized on the way in is way too much. $140 a month on eating out it so not the business).

Then, as I was doing my devotional on Saturday, I read

Be thou diligent to know the state of they flocks, and look well to thy herds.-Proverbs 27:23

As usual…MESSAGE

I instantly remembers those days I sat at my desk as my GA with my legal pad and got inspired. This was a time when I made $736 per month after taxes. Through the grace of God, ALL of my bills were paid at the end of the month. I never came home to my lights out. Never been in danger of having my car repossessed. Always had food in the fridge. Not saying this at all to brag. Just saying this to say that no matter how little you think you may have, if you’re actively pursuing and trying to live God’s Word, He will ALWAYS provide for you.

I said “Okay, Lord. I get it.”

I know where I made my mistake. When I got my first real, out of college job. I was making more money than I’d ever made in my life and immediately I forgot the first things I was doing that made me so successful in managing  money. First thing was that once I ran out of paper on my handy-dandy legal pad, I never got another one. I ignored my checkbook ledger in favor of checking my online balance and keeping a “mental note” (#fail). I forgot that it was the little foxes that spoil the vine (Song of Solomon 2:15). I had more money, so of course I went shopping more. I went out to eat more. I hung out way more, using the excuse that pursuing education had made me a hermit and now it was my turn to get out and live.

I kept paying my bills on time. Shut-off notices were never in my mailbox, but still I had this fear and anxiety that I didn’t have when I knew EXACTLY how I was gonna spend my checks.

Now, the Word also says that if you are faithful in handling the small things, that God will make you ruler over more (Matthew 25:23). Which is exactly what He did. But, like many people in history (and present), once I got to that “mountaintop”, I completely forgot to continue with what got me there. I didn’t realize that what got me there, was also what would keep me there. It’s like with any good thing. You dress all cute, cook, clean and sit through football to get a man and then once you got him, totally flip the script! You’ll lose him, just like I lost control of my financial security.

Now don’t worry, my house isn’t in foreclosure. I’m still credit card free (**sidenote** credit cards are the devil, but I digress). As of today, I’ll be paying my car note a month in advance thanks to some savy *note NOT shady* accounting that came STRAIGHT from the Holy Spirit when I purposed in my heart to go back to those first things (Hebrews 6:1). I’m cool. I’m good. GOD IS AWESOME.

But what I didn’t have was financial peace. I had peace with my legal pad and blue, fine point pen. I knew what I had. I knew what I had to work with. And I knew what had to wait until I could afford it.

 I heard someone once say that working with a budget is a poor person’s mentality. What? Huh? Anyway…

Anybody who knows me knows that I like my life (library) quiet and peaceable. Anxiety does not produce this. Financial irresponsibility can lead to financial anxiety which can lead to hasty decisions and ultimately financial ruin. Dramatic maybe, but I’m not trying to let that be me.

I still have stuff to work on. For example I cannot (will not) save a significant amount of money for anything! If I don’t have it right then, I just resign myself to not getting it. I’ll get to that issue after this one though.

For now, I’m going back to the way I was. Keepin far, far away from those dreaded credit cards. Not wasting $140 on entertainment/eating out (especially when I can cook and have cable). Shopping clearance only. Still being honest with myself (and my income) and staying away from Somerset.  But most of all, I’m hitting up my local office supply and stocking up on legal pads and fine point pens.

I’ve come to find that people have already formed opinions of me. Not a week goes by that I don’t hear some sort of misconception about who I really am.

“Rhea, you know you be makin’ people feel bad.”

“Rhea, you know you would have went off.”

Blah, blah, blah, jibby, jibby, jibby

Rarely are the things that people tell me what I would do correct.  Apparently there’s some (semi)widely held belief that I’m just this harsh, brash, tough-as-nails person…Not totally true.

I actually think I put up with quite a bit before I finally say something to someone. I take great care when I’m having a serious conversation with those I care about, not to make them feel judged, guilty or anything that does not ultimately build them up.

However, I do tell the truth.

So sometimes they end up feeling that way anyway, but that’s not my issue. That’s theirs.

 I was reading Proverbs 27:6 yesterday, which says

Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.

Ah, sweet validation from the Word! lol

I’m no Bible scholar, but what I took from that was that a real friend will tell you the truth even if it hurts, but an enemy (under the guise of being a “good friend” will coddle you, make you feel good, even if secretly they believe that you’re making a bad decision. I’d rather a person be mad at me for a minute, but realize that I told them the “truth”, as best I know it, rather than be a Yes Woman and douse you with the gas you need to go down in a blaze of glory.

The Biff and I were talking about that yesterday. I often find that people tell me things, I share my opinion and if it doesn’t go along with what they already want to do, I get accused of being mean, not understanding, being “super” or judgmental. Sorry hun, but no, I don’t think it’s right for you to talk to somebody else’s man or do an insurance job on your car because you REALLY need the money. I’m just not one of those “do what you gotta do” kind of people. Dr. Laura said that when you don’t tell people the truth, it’s a selfish act because you’re more worried about your own discomfort, than how it’s going to affect the other person. “I don’t want to hurt her feelings.” ”I don’t want to make him think I’m “super”. I, I, I… I fully believe that.

Am I perfect? HECKS NO! I never claimed to be. BUT when you ask me for advice, don’t start trying to bring up my imperfections in order to validate yourself. A: That doesn’t work on me, since I’m secure in who I am and I own my own junk. B: How does the fact that I watch too much TV negate the fact that you’re burning and selling CDs from Sunday service? What ever happened to iron sharpening iron and ecouraging each other to do better and evolve? I think we hide behind the wall of “you’re judging me” because we don’t really want to deal with the real deal. Self included.

So, if telling you (what I believe to be is) the truth, makes me mean or hard to talk to then…I don’t know what to tell you, because I’m not gonna do anything else.

SEVEN YEARS OF ABSTINENCE.

I lost my virginity when I was 15 going on 16 and in the words of Day-Day in Next Friday

It was the WORST mistake of my  *&@%^# life!

Obvious reasons aside, my decision to have sex that September day, started a domino effect that took me years to control. I attached myself (and still am to certain extent) to a boy who proceeded to treat me like stepped on dog crap for the next two years. And I held on like a pitbull to a steak… all because we had sex. I couldn’t believe that someone who I’d actually chosed to lose my virginity too and actually let see me nekkid would continue to hurt me. My stupid 15 year old mindset was “He’ll see how much I “love” him and he’ll change and love me back.”

 It wasn’t til I got to college that I changed my mindset (and not for the good) and I started to see sex as a weapon (who remembers that from House Party 3? lol).  My twisted thinking was basically that

“I’m gone get in where I fit in and treat these niggas how they THINK they gone treat me. I don’t luh deez hoes.”…

Yes, I really thought AND spoke (out loud) like that, back then. And “get in where I fit in” is exactly what I did.

I should mention at this same time, I could count on one hand, how many times I missed church and still went faithfully every Sunday, but what I learned on Sunday was completely disconnected (in my mind) from what I did the rest of the week.

So, for about two and a half years of college, I did the doggone thang. I even had a friend who called me his “Big Brotha Head” because in his words “you think about sex more than the niggas do.”. -**Dang, we were crass!**

Then I started going to the campus ministry that the church I now attend held every Thursday at 7pm in McKenney Union (where all my Eagles at?). Needless to say, chick aka the campus minister read my mail every week. Me and my roommate would go, feel convicted, but we’d be able to wrestle that conviction off by the weekend. **Sidenote: Though I’d still do what I wanted when I left Bible study, that campus minister’s words NEVER left me. I’m a true testament of seeds sown and harvest reaped waaaayyyy later.**

Then New Years Eve 2002 approached. Me and my non-boyfriend at the time were not getting along, but still doin’ it. I made a decision (partly because I was mad at him, partly because my behavior was starting to get to me and I really wanted to do this God thing) that I wasn’t gonna have sex anymore until I got married.

**GASP**

Nobody who knew me believed I could do it. Shooooood, I didn’t think I could do it myself!  I had a one track mind for real and that track ended straight at sex… But I did it anyway. I went to Watch Night Service at my old church and promised God that I wasn’t having sex anymore until I got married. I felt empowered, closer to God and slightly ill all at once.

January 1 passes. No sex.

 January 2. Nope. Not today either.

 January 3, 4,5? Nothin’ poppin’ off here son!

Then January 6…

I gave in. I crashed and burned! Oh the agony!

I just couldn’t resist that dude…and frankly, I wasn’t really trying to.

But that was THE last time I had sex. January 6, 2003. The only New Year’s Resolution I’ve ever made and kept.

I broke up with the non-boyfriend a month later. Didn’t talk to him for months after that.

Then began the arduous process of actually keeping my word to God.  I did good for the most part. My old conquests would call from time to time and I’d turn ‘em down FLAT, telling them that I wasn’t having sex until I got a ring (which one offered to buy me!). They’d tell me how much they missed “me” and how no one could do them like I did, blah, blah, blah, jibby, jibby, jibby…

Now I must admit, it felt good to be “admired”, but I just couldn’t play myself. I had told EVERYBODY that I wasn’t having sex anymore and I felt like ‘Pac. All Eyez on Me. I just couldn’t fall. Plus, since I was trying to fight off the sex thoughts, I spent more time going to church, thinking about God, praying, etc. Whatever I felt I could do to keep myself out of trouble and through that, the desire to fornicate just wained…Not that I didn’t WANT to have sex, it was just that wanting to, didn’t mean I was going to. I just honest to goodness began to want to please God with my body and the easiest thing I could control at that time was not to have sex outside of marriage.

My college friends were perplexed. They didn’t understand what I was doing. Constantly I entertained questions like “Do you ever think about it? What do you do when you really wanna do it, pray? What if Glenn Lewis (my celeb crush at the time) came and wanted to have sex with you, you wouldn’t do it?” My answers were and still are yes, yes and no. **The last one is easier, ’cause I don’t crush on Glenn Lewis no more, but that Idris Elba would have me in prayer and intercession to hold my virtue! lol**

Though most of my old conquests have blown away, the guy I lost my V-card to still calls and tries from time to time. Each time I tell him no and why. This year, he really got desperate. He asked me if I was gay, who hurt me so bad that it made me not want to have sex again and the Big Lebowski “What if it ain’t no God and you just holding out for nothin’?” El Oh El He was really reaching now. Accusing me of being gay was TOTALLY gonna turn me on. #reversepsychologygonewrong.

But God spoke to me after that convo. For the first time I didn’t feel like I had to justify why I wasn’t having sex. I give you the reason. A: I want to honor God with my body. B: I can’t give my future (soon to be met) husband my virginity, but I can give him a body that’s not all used up and a mind all chopped and screwed and bitter from messing around with a bunch of  random dudes. Some people will understand, respect and accept that. Some people won’t. What God showed me was that either way, I’m still doing the right thing and the peace I know from this is a peace that eluded me in other peoples beds.

So cheers to seven years! I’m not saying cheers to seven more though! They say that seven is God’s year of completion, so alright Lord, let’s do this!

~FIN

Of course, there are some givens that I must have. He must be living saved. He must have goals. He must be gainfully employed. So on and so forth. But these are the things that will make one guy stand out in the crowd, all other must-haves being equal…

 1. He’s good at Taboo.

Not only because Taboo is one of my favorite games, but because it tells me a few things about a guy. For one, he has a good grasp of the English language, if he scores like 10 points for his team when he’s the clue giver. He is descriptive and it shows (me) that he can really get his point across when he puts his mind to it. For two, it shows that not only is he a good listener, but that he is able to hear and process information concurrently. In Taboo, when you’re a guesser, you have to drown out all of the noise around you, to concentrate on what the clue giver is saying. I love when a person can accurately reflect back to me what I’ve been trying to say!

2. He has just as many fond memories of the 80s and 90s as I do.

I loved my life growing up. The culture. The TV (especially the TV). The music. If you knew that Cliff and Claire Huxtable originally had FOUR kids and Sondra was added a few episodes later or you have all the songs you liked from your formative years on your Ipod and listen to them more than the other stuff on there, it’ll get ya far! PS: Don’t believe me about the Sondra thing? Do your research!

3. He knows as much useless pop culture information as I do.

Your mom let you watch (probably too much) TV too? Know a bunch of stuff that has no real bearing on life. You can clean up in a game of Jeopardy! yet, have no idea how you or why you know that Anne Boleyn was divorced and set up to be executed by Henry the VIII for her inability to give him a male heir? Come holla at me.

4. He hates the food I hate.

I’m just saying. It’ll make life much easier on the both of us if you don’t eat mayo/salad dressing, cornish hen, chitlins, asparagus or any hot dog except for Oscar Meyer. You won’t feel deprived when I never cook the food you like. I won’t have to control my dry heaves because you just had to have a ham sammich with Miracle Whip (just nasty).

5. He lets me control the remote.

I know many won’t like this one, but dude, I promise…If you let me watch Tabatha’s Salon Takeover/Girlfriends/Real Housewives/Golden Girls without any lip or commentary, when you wanna watch whatever randomness you watch I will extend the same courtesy. Better yet, how about you watch one TV and I watch the other! LOL

Picture it. Detroit. Around 6:00pm today…

I’d been having “moments’ recently of thinking about “love lost”. Don’t front! I know I’m not the only one who does it! You sit, you wonder what life would be like if you two had “made it”, maybe even do a quick facebook/twitter/google search for them (but you don’t call them or anything, ’cause THAT would be crazy and stalkerish).

**Crickets**???

Oh, you don’t do that? It’s only me?…Okay, well I digress…

So, I’m sitting in my office thinking about how extremely wack it is of me to be having these thoughts, so I have the bright idea to listen to a song that I think will empower me and get my back on track. What song did I choose you ask?

Silly by Deniece Williams

Yeah, yeah, I know-that’s the jam right?! Well…

I’m listening to this song, feeling good, coming out of that mayhem and foolishness in my head, then my ears hone in on the a certain phrase in the song. The part that everyone knows even if they don’t know any other words to the song. “Oh-oh-oh love, oh love, stop making a fool of meeee.”

Wait! Whoa! Pump the breaks! I immediately got a check in my spirit on that one!

I heard something inside of me say “Why are you lying on God like that? He wouldn’t make a fool of you.” I have the convo with my biffster about this.  We have this running joke about our (well, my current, her former) church and our Bishop. We get so much of the Word of God there that even when you’re not thinking about it, that Word will well up on the inside of you when something is wrong, then you’ll get all internally stank like “That ain’t the Word”.

I got two things from that convo and some thinking about it later.

A:) God is love -1 John 4:8

B:) If we believe that A is true, that God is love, then things that are not of love cannot be of God. So we lie one Him when we accuse him of things that aren’t loving. -Love doesn’t hurt. Love isn’t blind. Love doesn’t make a fool of us. Love doesn’t stink! If its not true about God, its not true about love.
I think that we make conscious decisions and when those decisions don’t work out the way we want or expect, we blame love.

“Why do we love love, when love seems to hate us?” Imagine if you replaced that with God…”Why do we love God when God seems to hate us?” Okay, okay, I know most of us don’t think God hates us, but how many of us (including myself on occasion) have sung Lions, Tigers and Bears by Jazmine Sullivan at the top of our lungs? I understand the sentiment, but we gotta be more cognizant of what we’re speaking over our lives and what we allow to form our psyche.

Now before you get all up in arms, I’m not saying that all secular songs are bad.  I listen to secular songs, but there is a caveat. I, personally cannot listen to a song when there is clear evidence that the song is out-of-pocket or doesn’t line up with God’s Word or I know to be true about His character.My friends will tell you, there are quite a few songs that I hate because the premise of the song is so foul to me (“You’re Gonna Love Me” comes to mind)…but some are not so easy. Lions, Tigers and Bears is my SONG! I totally understand the sentiment. I can empathize with the feeling, but I feel dumb for listening to it when it gets to that part…because it doesn’t ring true in my spirit. So I usually end up listening to it, pretending like I don’t know what’s coming and then feel salty when I force myself to change the station.

What I am saying is why do we sing songs and accept certain things when we KNOW better? I think it’s because we don’t like to think critically. The proverbial “head in the sand” defense.  “Oh, I like the song and I know she don’t mean it like that.” “I’m not so weak-minded that I let that get to me”…Oh, but we do…It seeps in little by little and you end up at your desk grooving to a song that is not REALLY edifying you or truly helping your situation.

Okay, so maybe I’m the only “weak-minded” one who’s susceptible to inadvertently allow her ideologies to be formed by the music and culture I allow into my mind and heart. I’ll own my junk…but just in case you feel the depth of my plight, I challenge you…Take a look at what you’re listening to/reading/watching. Think critically about what those verses/words/lines are saying and see if they line up with what you know to be true. If they don’t line up with the TRUTH, let it go, because ultimately what good is it doing to think that love is making a fool of us?

Your thoughts?

I’m just getting back to this blogging thing, yet unlike my MySpace blog, this one will have actual rhyme and reason to it. The rhyme and reason for this blog is very simple, I want to chronicle my journey as I continue in becoming the woman that God has called me to be. My biff (check her out at lovelidaze.wordpress.com) and I have made sort of a pseudo-covenant to make following God, knowing God, living for God, etc. “cool”. Not like slappin’ some Ray-Bans and a Purple Label jacket on Jesus and rapping the Gospel to a track produced by Ne-Yo, but really showing people that truly having a relationship with God is not a complicated thing. YES, you’ll have to give up some things. YES, you’ll have to admit that you aren’t perfect. YES, you’ll have to do some things that are completely uncomfortable and probably go against what you really want to do. BUT it’s TOTALLY worth it! I’m a living witness of this.

We’re all human. We get annoyed. We catch attitudes. We dislike people. I know I do. But I’m one of those weird, crazy people that believes that there is an answer in the Word of God for EVERYTHING! Do I always look to the Word for every situation or difficulty? In a word, no…but I strive to.  That’s what this blog is all about-making this thing a part of my everyday life, not some arduous, tedious task.

My goal is to post a week-in review of what I’ve learned, what I’ve done. Successes and failures. Things I want to try again, things I learned don’t work. So on and so forth. I don’t know how to do links and stuff like that, but I’m sure my biff  (hint, hint) will help me make it all sweet and what not.

So, stay tuned. I hope we can learn together. I hope to be a blessing to somebody. I hope not to bore you!

Love and Growth,

ArJayCee